I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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