Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
