I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
