just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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