The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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