Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
