i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure