I met the friendliest cop last night
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
