Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.