i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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