Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He passed out mid-signature
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
