I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
