just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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