Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dicks are not precious.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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