I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
