i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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