i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
