so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
