Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
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Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
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Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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