Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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