My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we're making bets on your personal life
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
