i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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