How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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