I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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