Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
