So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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