Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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