Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
