I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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