so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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