grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
