i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
operation harelip BJ is a go
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
