Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
