I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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