she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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