seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
