Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
