When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My vagina just clenched in fear
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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