I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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