Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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