Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
