so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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