A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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