I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
