i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
