a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
