the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
