Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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