Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
