dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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