i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
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this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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