if you like me you must not know who I am
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
