It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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