What did I eat last night that was bloody?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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