My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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