21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
