What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
