Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
