My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
