Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
not ubering you a puppy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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